More ranting from a lonely soul...

Usually, this is where I makeup some pathetic excuse as to why I haven't blogged in so long. But not today. In fact, If the good Lord hadn't beckoned for another rambling, you all would still be waiting. What can I say, I feel uninspired. Nothing has really grabbed me, screaming, "wake up" like I would love it to.
Last night we did a tribute to my best friend Santhosh. I don't understand why, neither  will I ever understand why he was taken so early.40 ain't no age to take an indefinite vacation to the land of no return. I miss him. He was a real fun guy, put everyone before himself. But I knew his hurt, his bad hurtful past, and I have come to the conclusion that he was taken so he can hurt no more. Body soul and mind! Everybody only knew the funny, always smiling and ever-so helpful Santhosh. I knew more. He was my crazy friend, I may not have a single picture with him but I have memories that will last a life time.

On a different note.. I love being apart of a book club ....(My book club is pretty much me and my 500 odd books but I usually go online and read & post reviews ) It has been a lot of fun reading different stuff and talking about it. Honestly, it keeps me sane. Loneliness is an unrelenting bitch that shackles you to her cold bed posts while she has her way with you, and you scream for her to stop, for some relief, but it is usually hard to find....dang I sound like a freakin guy!  I did also see Chennai Express. It was awesome. The story is good, the music is great. If you haven't seen it, it's good, clean comedy - a laugh riot, I recommend it. Good stuff!!!

I don't know what to do with myself. I find myself constantly wrestling with my own thoughts, my opinions, my beliefs, my disbeliefs. Sometimes, I even lose sleep over it. I'm glad I can talk to my friends about things and it truly does help to hear their support and their thoughts. I guess I would just like a break every once in a while. I try to be a person that cares about others but it's hard when you feel like such a colossal fuck-up. I hope that I am more of a blessing than a burden to those I run across. And if I fail you, I truly am sorry. I remember thinking when I was a child that life would get easier when I got older. But the truth is, it is just life. It doesn't get easier or harder, it just is. It's a series of experiences and choices and you learn as you go and realize that it has always been difficult and yet here you are, somehow, miraculously. At least, that's how I see it. Maybe that's why I like the movie "Curious case of Benjamin Button" so much. Time is neutral. It doesn't shift favor when it starts or passes by. Whether old to young or young to old, it is the experiences and choices that meet us along the way that shape us and effect us more deeply than anything else. It is also interesting how I am writing a hell of a lot more than I had expected to when I started. Kinda funny. Do me a favor. Go outside and smell the air. I love the smell of November cant really call it Fall in this part of the world. So crisp and clean. Reminds me of childhood. I sooooo wish you can visit an authentic Irish Pub and get yourself a pint of true, slow-poured Guinness out of the tap. It just might bring your life a little extra joy. I think that's good for now.

Here I go again....

Awww yes. You know you have made a raging comeback into the blogging arena when the only title that seems to fit is a White Snake song!!! I should just stop there. But I won't. So yes, it has been a horrendously long time since my last post. I apologize. I must have slunk away into the shadows to be alone with myself which, oddly enough, is where I feel most comfortable. And the most depressed. But I decided to surface once again and write even though I don't feel like it. No check that, I didn't decide at all. The Son of God, himself, called me out to write again. What was I gonna do? I couldn't deny the Savior!! But I have a feeling with such high expectations thrown on top of me, I will yet again retreat into the silences never to be heard from again. Until, that is, someone offers me their liquor. I can never turn down good booze. Especially when someone else has paid for it. Anyway, life continues on, always at the same pace, always leaving me behind to figure things out and try to catch up, only to be left behind again. It's a bitch, what can I say!! But I never want to give up hope. After all, it is just that that has carried me thus far. I just hope that people won't be completely scared off by my "less than enthusiastic" outlook. But hey, If Jesus is still interested, I can't be that insane, right? It's funny, I heard a comedian say that when your single, all you see is couples. It's so true. They're everywhere, mocking me with their cute glances they steal of one another, their little inside conversations they have that only lead to making out right in front of you. Those are so fucking annoying. And the most annoying part is how you can't stand it, but all the while you wish it were you. But that's life. With it's many stages, your bound to not keep up with all of them... or none of them. It's odd though. As frustrating and annoying it is being around couples, it always makes me reflective. For whatever reason, it always puts a song and an abstract, nostalgic thought in my head. And although temporary, I feel a strange beauty, a calming come over me. Craig Finn, of the Hold Steady, has this lyric that says, "I see Jesus in the clumsiness of young and awkward lovers". I think he's right. There is an innocence, a purity that seems to shine through in couples, especially the odd ones who no one seems to get, but it doesn't matter because they get each other. I think I'm done. I am only 1 cup of coffee awake and coherent thoughts are hard to come by. Later. And by later, I hope I mean sooner than 3 months from now. But we'll see how that goes. On second thoughts I might come back to rant a lil later. I can see myself doing this when my best friend moves back to the US at the end of the year. She has been away for a freaking week and my world seems to have come to an end.. my other best friend went to be with Jesus and the only other I want to talk to doesn't even want to talk to me anymore....
So I say screw it all , drink more coffee and rant away!
P.S. I love how intelligent I look when I am ranting away on my blog, everyone around seems to think that I am seriously working on something very important.... Hell yeah! I am important!

Peace!

Just ranting away...

This gone week has been so difficult, I lost my best friend to Brain Cancer, my girlfriend is travelling with her parents and the one man who I would like to talk to does not want to talk to me anymore.. So I have risen from the grave to write again. I am sitting in a coffee shop, wishing I could come up with some groundbreaking, existential topic that would be so fitting for such a venue. But, alas, my mind is barely functioning enough to remember my damn password to get into this blog.

I am on the hunt for a house. There have been nothing but strike outs so far, but it is a miracle I can even search for something in the first place, so how could I not be patient? I can't wait to get my own place, though. I am a little worried though that my expectations will once again surely let me down. I sometimes can look at these type of situations in a "Holy" light, thinking that once this happens, life will start to make sense, the stars will align, and I will begin my journey towards perpetual bliss with my new found freedom. I know it will be awesome and I can't wait to experience it, but I also know in the back of my mind that my often depressive state of mind will not go away. In fact, it may stand to increase with the inevitable loneliness that awaits on the horizon.

You might say I'm just being a winy bitch who is always looking for reasons to sulk and moan and eventually write another song about how everything is meaningless except for love, which there always seems to be a shortage of. But I'm simply pointing out my weaknesses. I don't know why I hold each new high as some kind of euphoria that will bring my universe into balance. It never does and although nice and sometimes momentarily fulfilling, I dread the inevitable pain of a monotonous life that never flows but drags like a master who drags his slaves by chain to the fields.

I was talking to my friend, last night and we were discussing the concept of being a slave to our own devices, under it's control, without power to suppress it. I was reluctant at first to agree with this perspective, but the more I think about it, the more I realize its true. Maybe because I've seen it play out in my own life time and time again. No matter how the circumstances change, even if for the better, my discontent is waiting just around the corner to capsize me and there is nothing I can do about it.

Life is a double-edged sword. It is both bitter and sweet. It is a blessing and a curse. To me, if hell exists, the only thing separating it from this life is eternity. At least here, we know it will end and we can have hope that just maybe, there is something bigger waiting for us that will not flicker and die, but gives us joy that lasts and transcends our endless numbered days. I hope this finds you well. At least for a little while.


 

The Willow!

yes I wanted to lead you by the hand
under the wispy droop of the willow down by the lake
I wanted you to follow me with your deep brown eyes
and smile at the brashness of it all
yes I wanted to kiss you under that willow
and make you wonder why others call it weeping
and fall asleep under stars we cannot see
for the forest of that tree
yes I wanted there to be…a you, and a me
hidden ‘neath the wispy willows
of that old weeping willow tree...

Healed hurt!

She pulled the scabs of the cuts
ripped them clean
opened the wounds afresh
hell bent on continuing the pain
reliving the hurt
feeling her loneliness....
if she ever left them alone
her cuts would scar
if she were lucky
her cuts would scar
some pain.. some hurt
causes things worse than scars
scars are nothing but healed hurt
she wasn’t that lucky
she’d never scar
she knew that with all her broken heart!!!

Woman up!

The other day I watched a taping of Sharon Stone on The Queen Latifah Show, and she brought up an interesting point. She spoke about the idea of how our culture cultivates desperate women. This rang so true for me for we all have suffered at the hands of desperation, especially in our relationships with men.

Many of us have been taught to believe that how people treat us is a direct reflection of our self-worth so we become desperate about our looks, desperate about whether he is being faithful, we become desperate about being good enough.

My journey towards "womaning up" has taught me that how someone treats you is a direct reflection of who THEY are and that I have to be responsible in feeling good about myself in order to create good feeling experiences.

Once I took on this responsibility for myself, I no longer carried the weight of desperation in needing to be good enough

It's time to woman up and be rid of desperation with knowing that being good enough gives us the power to stand alone and to also choose wisely the people we decide to love, without the influence of desperation.

What do you do if you have an unsupportive, unloving family?

Sometimes we are born into families who can't and don't know how to love us. This is when we have to build the families that we desire, either with others biologically, or to go into the world and make ourselves known to others who need a loving, supportive family like us and who would appreciate and enjoy building a famili...al tie that is nourishing and fulfilling. Like this blog...I wanted to build a community, a type of family where we could express, build and heal together. There is not a day I don't look forward to hearing from all the various family members I have found here, from my elders, my sisters and brothers, to my youthful nieces and nephews. Just never forget that you are lovable and there are people waiting to love you. Find them...they're waiting for the daughter, the son, the sister, brother, mother, father, aunt, uncle, grandmother or grandfather they never had. Build a clan where you can build love, share love, and be...loved.

You are lovable.

What do I do with heartbreak?

In my experience, heartbreaks have been the most devastating moments in my life. But... each heartbreak delivered me into something new and better. The trick had always been to find what I needed to learn about myself or the circumstance that I had participated in creating that brought me so much pain. First...I had to learn to surrender to the pain and ...suffer through it instead of running right into another relationship where I would tend to fall right back into the same pattern of my previous heartbreak. It took a lot of maturity and courage to choose to suffer through the loss, but I realized that the quality of my relationships were not going to change if I was not going to be willing to... change. Yes... heartbreak is an indicator that we have to change something so we can love and be loved how we truly desire.

Heartbreak can be a gift if we are willing to do the work to find it.

If any of you are suffering heartbreak while reading this...I am hugging you. Give it time

Loads of Love

R

Is true love real?

 I believe true love is very real. The question is, are we prepared to CREATE it? Most of us are conditioned to believe that true love HAPPENS to us...effortlessly. My experience has been that romantic love happens effortlessly. The meeting of the eyes that lights you afire inside can happen without our consent, which could be the ENTRY point to true love or to a g...rand love affair that prepares you for the true love waiting in the wings. Many of us have equated that intoxicating, romantic feeling to true love. But true love is not created only in the intoxicating romance. True love is mostly created in the troubles, storms, misunderstandings, and deceptions where love is no longer romantic but excruciating. Love is created in forgiveness and in the maturity of accepting the human nature of ourselves and our partner. If you can survive these stages through your fight and growth for love...then TRUE LOVE will reveal itself because it becomes the stuff that CREATES long lasting...true love.

Remember this... When we engage in the dance of love...we are all dancing blindly. We are ALL students of love, learning ON one another. Be patient with the inevitable pains our ignorance delivers.

Mu humble thoughts!