F--k Love!

Some of the worse decisions we make in life are based on being in love, or more specifically, falling in love. When I ask women who have been in abusive relationships why they stayed for years, their response is always, "Because I was in love."

When I ask men why they go into debt for thousands of dollars...to impress women they've only been dating for two months they say, "I was in love."...

Parents put their children in dangerous situations everyday because they are so "In Love" they ignore the signs that their partners are molesting their child. And what about the millions of fools who rush off every year to get married to someone they haven't known for 6 months! Why, because they are in freakin' love!

I had a buddy in the Air force who's girlfriend was pregnant, he was excited about being a father, and at the time so was I. But after doing the math I realized she delivered the baby almost two months late. He was deployed 3 months after her last  visit to the base, but that fool was so caught up he couldn't count past 9 months.

Yes, that love drug is some serious s***t, it's addictive, it's blinding, and it's hard to reason with anyone who's under it's spell. And the more you criticize the person who is "In Love" about their bad choices, the more "In Love" they seem to fall. It's scary when you think about how "Ir-responsive" love can make you!

So, yes, F--k love, f--k falling in love, and f--k the idea of putting love first! And what that means is, Love should never be the deciding factor in making life altering decisions, whether it's marriage, living together, sharing money, having children, having unprotected sex, or opening yourself up emotionally.

Besides, the longest lasting relationships don't begin with "Love", they begin with getting to know that person, spending time together, having common values and interest. It's about having differences and talking things out to build even closer bounds.

Those relationships are called, "FRIENDSHIPS" and how many of you fall in love with your friends? No, you grow to love them, and that's healthier than falling in love.

So, the next time someone even thinks about making a critical decision based on infatuation or love, tell them I said, F---k that!

My 2 cents on relationships

I originally wanted to post two sentences on this and call it a brief passing thought. But how little do I know about myself

 

They say “Opposites attract”. It makes sense at some abstract level, but it also raises this question of how people can sustain relationships when they are different. From a common-sense point of view, compatibility also rests on a shared ground of similarity. It seems, compatibility requires some delicate balance between differences and similarities. I recently stumbled upon a small realization about this elusive balance.

From observations, interactions and experience, I think couples in successful relationships have certain core personality traits that are completely different. Differences in personality traits seem to work. These opposites attract and seem to sustain.

However, there are also similarities, and these are in the shared ideologies. Couples who share similar ideologies and belief systems are obviously more compatible. I think someone with liberal views and someone with hardcore conservative views are going to be battling each other for several decisions and ways of living. A difficult relationship.

Here’s why I think different personality traits work to the relationship’s advantage. People who are very similar in terms of their personality struggle to get through tough spots - even in day to day living. When the going is good, things are great. But when something happens that weighs down a certain personality type, both people get affected and struggle to move forward. For example, when both people in a relationship are quite sensitive, or prone to anxiety, or are high-strung, their combined anxiety can be disastrous. A balancing personality type would be really beneficial to the individuals and their relationship. On a more philosophical level, such relationships enrich the individuals because they grow and imbibe certain opposite traits for their betterment as the relationship matures. They truly complete and complement each other because they have different things to offer to each other. Taken together, the different  repertoire of characteristic traits come handy while handling life’s varied situations. For example, some situations require sensitivity, while some situations can do with some nonchalance.

The converse - similar personality traits and different ideologies is not going to be helpful. Can you imagine two stubborn personalities with different ways of thinking living under the same roof? I have seen the results ;). But these people at least understand or empathize with each other’s characteristics and motivations.  

At this point in time, I am inclined to rank the combinations thusly:

1. Most successful - different personality, same ideologies
2. Hits rough patches when their personality cannot handle life’s curveballs - same personality, same ideologies
3. Difficult - same personality, different ideologies
4. Unhappy? Disastrous? - different personality, different ideologies

Another crucial factor is perhaps shared interest. It can sometimes be that vital factor that holds a relationship afloat even when other variables aren’t that favorable. But, I do think that interests relate to ideologies, and to some extent get influenced by personality. Interests primarily flow from ideologies, ways of thinking etc., and gets honed by personality. I know people in very successful relationships (different personality, same ideologies) who don’t share any common interests or activities, but they are happy to engage in their separate interests and find a way to collaborate. Time away from each other is precious too. The husband is a man’s man - loves sports, building things, problem-solving. Wife loves cooking, crafting, painting. And they built their house together - from scratch. Husband was the contractor, architect, engineer, builder. Wife was the painter, decorator, planner, provider of nourishment. You would think this example is a pre-feminist stereotype, but people like this exist today as well and they are doing great. As I mentioned earlier, these two people are bringing in many different skill sets to the game and are figuring out a way to use their interests to complement a common goal. Common goals arise from common ways of thinking.  So, I am not including shared interest as a third variable to the matrix. It is more of a “weight” that influences the compatibility score within each category.

However, there is another equilibrium to consider. How similar should the similarities be and how different should the differences be to balance two people? What are the threshold values? Is there an optimum ratio of similarities : differences. This is when compatibility becomes unique and subjective to each couple! I kind of understand where astrology is coming from. They start with similar theories, but they ruthlessly pattern-match, extrapolate, and predict without accounting for the range of uniqueness that we humans manifest. We are too unique to be boxed in. When there are two people involved, it becomes even more of a unique situation. A parallel thought - maybe that’s why polygamy is simply impractical and too complicated for most (in addition to the other hairy reasons).

That’s my brain dump for now.

When will I find my soulmate

I was watching a show this morning on television where people called in to find out about their future. The host was a lady with psychic powers who also had Tarot cards.

The most common question that people called for was to know how, when and where they will meet their soulmate and more specifically their romantic life partner.

Really!!!  the best advice I can give is to stop searching, stop looking and stop seeking your soulmate because when the soul is ready the soulmate will appear. When your soul is really ready to have a soulmate relationship, in the form of a romantic life partner, and the lessons for personal growth and expansion that go with that karmic relationship, the door is opened for that partner to come into your life.

The best way to meet your romantic life partner is to work on yourself. When you work on yourself, either through meditation, personal growth studies, therapy and counseling, self-help books, personal growth seminars or studies, lectures, going to school or anything else that causes your soul to expand and grow, you are aligning your soul with the Divine source. When you are growing and evolving spiritually, as well as intellectually and emotionally, you are creating the space for your romantic life partner to enter. If your life is cluttered an eight-hour work week, too many social obligations, too much gym time or volunteer work you are sending the message out to the heavens that you are just too busy to work on yourself. When you are too busy to grow and evolve, your life is too hectic for spiritual growth and you just don’t have the time for anyone new in your life, much less a romantic life partner to begin a soulmate relationship. De-clutter, de-stress, and focus on yourself and become whole. You cannot manifest a soulmate romantic relationship if you are incomplete, or need someone to complete you, because you will need to be solidly grounded within your being to work with the challenges a soulmate romantic relationship can bring into your life.

Regardless of what a lot of people may believe about soulmates from Hollywood and romance novels, soulmate relationships are here to teach us about life and love. More than likely unconditional love as well as patience are two of the greatest life lessons soulmate relationships teach us. And these lessons are never easy. We may think that we are patient and able to love unconditionally, but the challenges a romantic soulmate relationship can bring will take these experiences to a new level. More than likely, after the initial period of romantic bliss and happiness, the relationship will fall apart for one reason or another. It is during those periods of disconnect from the relationship, after being so immersed in the strong karmic connection, that the growth happens. This disconnect can happen because an ex comes back into the picture, one of you gets transferred to another city, someone’s has an ill family member who needs constant care or any of many various scenarios that can cause a break in the relationship. For one, if not both of you, some of those trials and tribulations will be difficult. If a soulmate relationship is to teach you about unconditional love, they have to be. By the end of it, you might feel like you are dying without that romantic soulmate connection. Please remember the true nature of a soulmate romantic relationship is about change, transformation and becoming a better person and the evolution of your soul.

25 RULES FOR MOTHERS OF DAUGHTERS

 1. Paint her nails. Then let her scratch it off and dirty them up. Teach her to care about her appearance, and then quickly remind her that living and having fun is most important.

2. Let her put on your ...makeup, even if it means bright-red-smudged lips and streaked-blue eyes. Let her experiment in her attempts to be like you…then let her be herself.

3. Let her be wild. She may want to stay home and read books on the couch, or she may want to hop on the back of a motorcycle-gasp. She may be a homebody or a traveler. She may fall in love with the wrong boy, or meet mr. right at age 5. Try to remember that you were her age once. Everyone makes mistakes, let her make her own.

4. Be present. Be there for her at her Kindergarten performances, her dance recitals, her soccer games…her everyday-little-moments. When she looks through the crowds of people, she will be looking for your smile and pride. Show it to her as often as possible.

5. Encourage her to try on your shoes and play dress-up. If she would rather wear her brother’s superman cape with high heals, allow it. If she wants to wear a tutu or dinosaur costume to the grocery store, why stop her? She needs to decide who she is and be confident in her decision.

6. Teach her to be independent. Show her by example that woman can be strong. Find and follow your own passions. Search for outlets of expression and enjoyment for yourself- not just your husband or children. Define yourself by your own attributes, not by what others expect you to be. Know who you are as a person, and help your daughter find out who she is.

7. Pick flowers with her. Put them in her hair. There is nothing more beautiful than a girl and a flower.

8. Let her get messy. Get messy with her, no matter how much it makes you cringe inside. Splash in the puddles, throw snowballs, make mud pies, finger paint the walls: just let it happen. The most wonderful of memories are often the messy ones.

9. Give her good role models- you being one of them. Introduce her to successful woman- friends, co-workers, doctors, astronauts, or authors. Read to her about influential woman- Eleanor Roosevelt, Rosa Parks, Marie Curie. Read her the words of inspirational woman- Jane Austen, Sylvia Plath, Emily Dickinson. She should know that anything is possible.

10. Show her affection. Daughters will mimic the compassion of their mother. “I love yous” and Eskimo kisses go a long way.

11. Hold her hand. Whether she is 3 years-old in the parking lot or sixteen years old in the mall, hold on to her always- this will teach her to be confident in herself and proud of her family.

12. Believe in her. It is the moments that she does not believe in herself that she will need you to believe enough for both of you. Whether it is a spelling test in the first grade, a big game or recital, a first date, or the first day of college…remind her of the independent and capable woman you have taught her to be.

13. Tell her how beautiful she is. Whether it is her first day of Kindergarten, immediately after a soccer game where she is grass-stained and sweaty, or her wedding day. She needs your reminders. She needs your pride. She needs your reassurance. She is only human.

14. Love her father. Teach her to love a good man, like him. One who lets her be herself…she is after all wonderful.

15. Make forts with boxes and blankets. Help her to find magic in the ordinary, to imagine, to create and to believe in fairy tales. Someday she will make her 5 by 5 dorm-room her home with magic touches and inspiration. And she will fall in love with a boy and believe him to be Prince Charming.

16. Read to her. Read her Dr. Seuss and Eric Carle. But also remember the power of Sylvia Plath and Robert Frost. Show her the beauty of words on a page and let her see you enjoy them. Words can be simply written and simply spoken, yet can harvest so much meaning. Help her to find their meaning.

17. Teach her how to love- with passion and kisses. Love her passionately. Love her father passionately and her siblings passionately. Express your love. Show her how to love with no restraint. Let her get her heart broken and try again. Let her cry, and gush, giggle and scream. She will love like you love or hate like you hate. So, choose love for both you and her.

18. Encourage her to dance and sing. Dance and sing with her- even if it sounds or looks horrible. Let her wiggle to nursery rhymes. Let her dance on her daddy's feet and spin in your arms. Then later, let her blast noise and headbang in her bedroom with her door shut if she wants. Or karaoke to Tom Petty in the living room if she would rather. Introduce her to the classics- like The Beatles- and listen to her latest favorite- like Taylor Swift. Share the magic of music together, it will bring you closer- or at least create a soundtrack to your life together.

19. Share secrets together. Communicate. Talk. Talk about anything. Let her tell you about boys, friends, school. Listen. Ask questions. Share dreams, hopes, concerns. She is not only your daughter, you are not only her mother. Be her friend too.

20. Teach her manners. Because sometimes you have to be her mother, not just her friend. The world is a happier place when made up of polite words and smiles.

21. Teach her when to stand-up and when to walk away. Whether she has classmates who tease her because of her glasses, or a boyfriend who tells her she is too fat - let her know she does not have to listen. Make sure she knows how to demand respect - she is worthy of it. It does not mean she has to fight back with fists or words, because sometimes you say more with silence. Also make sure she knows which battles are worth fighting. Remind her that some people can be mean and nasty because of jealousy, or other personal reasons. Help her to understand when to shut her mouth and walk-away. Teach her to be the better person.

22. Let her choose who she loves. Even when you see through the charming boy she thinks he is, let her love him without your disapproving words; she will anyway. When he breaks her heart, be there for her with words of support rather than I told-you-so. Let her mess up again and again until she finds the one. And when she finds the one, tell her.

23. Mother her. Being a mother - to her - is undoubtedly one of your greatest accomplishments. Share with her the joys of motherhood, so one day she will want to be a mother too. Remind her over and over again with words and kisses that no one will ever love her like you love her. No one can replace or replicate a mother's love for their children.

24. Comfort her. Because sometimes you just need your mommy. When she is sick, rub her back, make her soup and cover her in blankets - no matter how old she is. Someday, if she is giving birth to her own child, push her hair out of her face, encourage her, and tell her how beautiful she is. These are the moments she will remember you for. And someday when her husband rubs her back in attempt to comfort her...she may just whisper, "I need my mommy."

25. Be home. When she is sick with a cold or broken heart, she will come to you; welcome her. When she is engaged or pregnant, she will run to you to share her news; embrace her. When she is lost or confused, she will search for you; find her. When she needs advice on boys, schools, friends or an outfit; tell her. She is your daughter and will always need a safe harbor - where she can turn a key to see comforting eyes and a familiar smile; be home.

Facebook - Should I quit it or not?

 

The "social media" which is supposed to connect us is also a catalyst for distilling previously hidden differences which will push us apart.  I know people who insist on spewing their pet causes and political ideals all over the news feed, and I have "unfriended" several over things they insist on inflicting on everyone they know. 

Once upon a time there were rules for polite company, and not discussing politics or religion played a large part in them.  Now everybody knows what (almost) everybody thinks about pretty-much EVERYTHING, all the time, and familiarity does indeed breed contempt.  "Social Media" encourages a great deal of what I consider to be anti-social behaviour, specifically ad hominem attacks.  I will go after peoples' IDEAS, but not them personally; if I feel that negatively about the person I won't waste my time or effort on them.

Of course what happens when people know who you are pales in comparison to what happens when people can be anonymous. More importantly, I never say anything here that I would not say in person to whoever I'm talking about, violent idiots excepted; I'd rather deal with them through a rifle scope or the business end of a cosh.

My point?  I couldn't deal with 600 real friends, I see no point in aspiring to have that many cyber acquaintances.  How many of your Facebook "friends" would help you move?  Show up to a BBQ? It's now like people have anywhere up to thousands of pen-pals, except that you are sharing your life in 140 characters or so at a time.  What do we really know about the personalities of these people?  Knowing their taste in cat videos is not the same as knowing their hopes and dreams or having those "you-had-to-be-there" in-joke memories from the stupid things you've done together.

Facebook is a tool, and like all tools it can be misused and hurt people.  The anti-bullying efforts that are being made today are being stymied if not outright thwarted by the fact that if people are hassling you, it doesn't end at school.  Even if you try to avoid them online, once those parasites have their sights on you they will spread horrible shit about you via whatever social media is trendy at the time.  My personal solution for bullying is to meet it with superior force or at the very least surprise and violence to make them think twice about messing with you, but the sort of kids who get bullied are picked on because they are incapable of standing up for or organizing amoungst themselves.

The title refers to a Kipling poem about cutting through bullshit and identifying basic truths:

As I pass through my incarnations in every age and race, I make my proper prostrations to the Gods of the Market Place.
Peering through reverent fingers I watch them flourish and fall,
And the Gods of the Copybook Headings, I notice, outlast them all.

We were living in trees when they met us. They showed us each in turn
That Water would certainly wet us, as Fire would certainly burn:
But we found them lacking in Uplift, Vision and Breadth of Mind,
So we left them to teach the Gorillas while we followed the March of Mankind.

We moved as the Spirit listed. They never altered their pace,
Being neither cloud nor wind-borne like the Gods of the Market Place,
But they always caught up with our progress, and presently word would come
That a tribe had been wiped off its icefield, or the lights had gone out in Rome.

With the Hopes that our World is built on they were utterly out of touch,
They denied that the Moon was Stilton; they denied she was even Dutch;
They denied that Wishes were Horses; they denied that a Pig had Wings;
So we worshipped the Gods of the Market Who promised these beautiful things.

When the Cambrian measures were forming, They promised perpetual peace.
They swore, if we gave them our weapons, that the wars of the tribes would cease.
But when we disarmed They sold us and delivered us bound to our foe,
And the Gods of the Copybook Headings said: "Stick to the Devil you know."

On the first Feminian Sandstones we were promised the Fuller Life
(Which started by loving our neighbour and ended by loving his wife)
Till our women had no more children and the men lost reason and faith,
And the Gods of the Copybook Headings said: "The Wages of Sin is Death."

In the Carboniferous Epoch we were promised abundance for all,
By robbing selected Peter to pay for collective Paul;
But, though we had plenty of money, there was nothing our money could buy,
And the Gods of the Copybook Headings said: "If you don't work you die."

Then the Gods of the Market tumbled, and their smooth-tongued wizards withdrew
And the hearts of the meanest were humbled and began to believe it was true
That All is not Gold that Glitters, and Two and Two make Four
And the Gods of the Copybook Headings limped up to explain it once more.

As it will be in the future, it was at the birth of Man
There are only four things certain since Social Progress began.
That the Dog returns to his Vomit and the Sow returns to her Mire,
And the burnt Fool's bandaged finger goes wabbling back to the Fire;

And that after this is accomplished, and the brave new world begins
When all men are paid for existing and no man must pay for his sins,
As surely as Water will wet us, as surely as Fire will burn,
The Gods of the Copybook Headings with terror and slaughter return!

One look around the world indicates that our part of it at the very least is trying entirely too hard to ignore objective reality in favour of what we'd LIKE to see. 

NOTE TO SELF!

 

For just a while, calm your thoughts. In this moment, simply be....

There is much in your life, and there is much more to come.
Yet you have always been, and you always are, more than enough.

For a moment, let go of the way you appear and the things you’ve done.
Feel the truth and power of who you are.

In silence, there is much you can know.
Beyond thought, there is much you can understand.

Touch the person who always lives inside the person you are.
Be immersed in the beauty and wonder of being.

Feel the strength that is always there.
And know that whatever may come, all is well.

— Ralph Marston.

Life, love and more.....

did you ever notice the way a stranger's smile can turn your bad day around?
how much sweeter reunions are, the longer you've been apart.
how much you appreciate warm weather in the winter, and cool weather in the summer.
how great it feels to relax after a week of going non-stop.

life is weird like that.  but in the same way, life is beautiful like that. 

and I think it is the same for Love.
the more you hold Love in, the less Loved you feel.
the more you let yourself Love, the more Love you experience.
the more you Love, the harder you sometimes fall.
but most importantly...

the harder you fall for the wrong Love, the more you open yourself up for the right Love.

and when you fall for the right one, you are forever held by the wings of Love, never allowing you to fall again.